Rant!!

the fact that i may feel you and yet not know who you are pains me to the core.
who are you?
is it a question that i am supposed to ask? or is it just something that will be answered in time?
what will occur between now and when the question is answered? more pain? more counselling? more people needlessly telling you their emotions for lipstick when you really don't care a whit for it?
when will the question be answered? why are we fighting so hard? what could we possibly be fighting for? and when will we achieve this feat?
...
i just don't know anymore.

I know this is supposed to be my story blog, but i can't help it. i think i might make this my personal blog.
either way.
i have pondered many things. why boys like playing video games, why girls like lipstick, why the rain never seems to fall on the right occasions like sports meets and instead, on my aunt's wedding which had to be brought inside to a hotel. i have pondered the exsistence of extra terrestrials and whether they actually live out our past, day by day like we used to do. i have pondered if the care bears actually exist, and how to terminate them if so. i have pondered wht would happen if i were actually born a boy, and decided that it might have made less difference than you thought it would. and i have pondered what it was like to have a name like Septimus, who one of my friends have. i think he's a friend. if i am Ry's sister... then...
...
i guess he is my friend.
after pondering all of these things, i pondered why i thought of them, and i yet again realise how easy it is to waste time thinking about things you could never figure out. probably people are working on the discovery of alien life forms and the like of them, but we will probably never figure out the rest. what makes us think we can?
this happens to be ourself.
humans happen to have a nature that thinks about him/ herself most of the time. i wonder if he likes me. i wonder if what i'm wearing will startle them. i wonder if i'm going to become this year's prom queen/ king. ridiculous. you can't read people's mind, so why worry about it?
as long as you are doing nothing wrong, don't waste your time worrying. worrying is ridiculous. it takes up useful mind space and wastes your brain cells on something that will not aid you in any possible way.
see? i rest my case.
i worry about my sister leaving this family.
i worry about what will happen to Faye.
i worry about my medical conditions and whether i will die by next year.
i worry about whether i will be hugged by anyone tomorrow.
i worry about my studies and exams.
i worry about whether i have enough money to buy what i need and to bless others on their birthdays this month.
i worry about the way i have been spending my money.
i worry about my application to SOTA.
i worry about my family ties.
i worry about my sister's way to thinking and suicidal attitude.
i worry about not matching up to my second sister. all the time.
i worry about standing next to people who shine, because i know i don't.
i worry about my relationship with Him.
i worry about Faye and her father.
i worry about my friends and if they will leave again.
i worry about my fan fics, and whether i will post them by next week like i promised.
i worry about the earth, which is by the way, DYING.
i worry about Ry, because he lies to everyone. and himself, in the process.
i worry about Ching Han, because she doesn't believe in herself, something i hope to remedy.
i worry about Abby, and her... dislikes.
i worry about the next American president, and whether he will lead the people in the right direction.
i worry about whether i try hard enough.
i worry about whether people will see his post and be all, "WTF?"
i worry about whether singapore is going to drown someday.
i worry about how i should or could try harder.
i worry about my views on love.
i worry about my obsession for blood.
i worry about whether some random guys will one day force me to *'roll over'.
i worry about pain, and if i will continue experiencing it at this rate.
i worry about whether one can die from pain.
i worry about my counselling sessions and if they will be ongoing.
i worry about my parents.
i worry about my random obsession for kinder bueno.
i worry about my sister smoking.
i worry about dying my hair blood red, which is something i long to do in poly, but i hope i can do it with my parents blessing.
i worry about sadness, anger and depression.
i worry about the economy.(i know, wierd.)
i worry about my father's work.
i worry about whether Man U will eventually win Liverpool.
i worry about my second sister giving up all hope of having accepted my oldest sister.
i worry about my older sister and what she will do after leaving this house.
i worry about my insomnic state due to all these problems.
i worry about Yueng Wan's stupidity.
i worry about hatred.
i worry about loving someone, but hating them at the same time.
i worry about hating someone because i love them.
i worry about loving someone because i was hurt many times when that happened.
i worry about making reliable friends.
i worry about my abilities and whether they exist.
i worry about people who starve themselves to look good, they are abundant in my school.
i worry about alot of things.

till i realised worrying was of no use.


*rolling over is a gang term whereby the victim is forced to have casual sex with other members.