Rant!!

how do i put this?
i'm not bragging. in fact, it's quite the opposite.
...
i can't cry. not anymore.
when i was at the counsellors, it was an individual session. i was shifting around, talking to her about my problems. you know the drill.
"Sheri, you know if you want to cry, it's ok, right? i mean, it isn't weak or anything if you cry. it's definitely a better way to vent your anger if any."
i looked at her.
"Mrs Koh, i apologise. i really wish i could, but i cannot."
she looked at me.
"why? is it because you think it's weak?"
i shook my head.
"i can't. i absolutely cannot. i cannot tell you how much i have cried over these issues i am faced with. no self pity. i cry like mad, but it doesn't help."
i stared up at her. she kept it shut.
"it's tiring. i'm tired. i'm very tired. i have absolutely no more to give. i cannot, absolutely will not compromise on this. i cannot give you anything more. i have given all i possibly can. but it doesn't seem to fill her up enough. i have absolutely no more tears to cry for her. no more. my tear ducts have shrivelled up and DIED. they are gone, evaporated and disappeared. they are not there anymore."
she still kept it shut.
"so i really do apologise, but i have no more tears to cry for you."

and i don't. whenever i am with my father, he looks at me and my sister and says, "why don't you wear some skirts, sheri? you'll look prettier."
"i couldn't care less."
"you should, you're a girl."
*that doesn't mean i have to pounce around like a whore in heels.* i think and say instead, "that doesn't mean i have to dance around in pink and purple just to make others think i'm a girl. being a girl is not defined by someone who wears skirts." all the more better if i can point at a passer by and show him.
"yes, but it would make you look nicer."

i can't stand it. me wearing pink will make you feel better?
do i look like i care? really, if i do, tell me so i'll change my face.
the fact that you keep telling me to do that and that i don't have the guts to go from wearing red and black to pink just makes it a billion times worse, ok? you don't have to rub it in.
...

it hurts enough on its own.